Tattoo Etiquette: A Public Service Announcement
Yup, those are two of mine.
Thankfully, this post wasn’t spurred by comments towards me – not recent ones, anyways. I got my fair share living in small-town Missouri, but tattooed people are much more common in Austin and less likely to be regarded as circus freaks. No, these comments were read on the bastion of rudeness: the Internet. Sigh. And really, the following applies to anything from funky colored hair to piercings, and a multitude of others. But the comments I’ve seen were about tattoos, and about tattoos this post shall be!
My dearest readers, I’m sure that you would never commit any of the following offenses. At least, I hope not. Obviously, being on this blog means that you have exquisite taste and you are, in fact, probably a very cultured individual. (Riiiight? *wink wink nudge nudge*) Joking aside, I seriously doubt this is necessary for regular readers, but I’ve been seeing a lot of rudeness on the subject of tattoos lately and feel like some education is called for.
Non tattooed individuals:
- It is not, under any circumstances, okay to grab, poke, pinch, prod, slap, grope, or otherwise touch a tattooed person without their express permission. Having public art available to view on their body does not make any of these okay, and if you do so, be prepared for any consequences that may come your way – whether that’s a verbal lashing or a physical one. And oddly enough, tattooed skin feels just like regular skin. I promise. Sometimes it’s a little raised, and that’s it.
- Asking polite questions is a-okay. Some tattooed folk find this tiresome, I personally don’t mind it at all. I love talking about my tattoos! Examples of questions that are okay to ask: “Where did you get that done?” “How long did it take?” “Did it hurt?” Although, in fairness, that might warrant a sarcastic answer. Yes, tattoos hurt. Generally they’re not agonizingly painful.
- Questions that are iffy but might be all right if you know the person you’re speaking to: “How much did that cost?” “What does it mean?” Some people get tattoos simply because they find them beautiful. Some people get them because they have some deep meaning to them – and often times, that meaning is something very personal that they don’t want to share with anyone else. If someone politely declines to share the meaning of the tattoo with you, please do not get offended. If you think the meaning of their tattoo is stupid, it’s not polite to say so.
Statements that are never, ever okay:
- “That looks cute now, but it’s going to look terrible when you’re 80.” And if you do say this out loud, in public, please do not be surprised when you get a snarky response of “Duh. Everything looks terrible when you’re eighty.”
- “You’ll never get a husband like that!”
- “Only bikers, sailors, and trashy people get tattoos, you know.” Variations include: “What are you, a biker? Hurr hurr hurr.”
- “How do you expect to find a job?” (Note: this is something that should definitely be thought about before getting highly visible tattoos. But to say this to a stranger is extremely insulting.)
- “Why would you do that to yourself? You’re such a pretty girl!”
That last one, in particular, makes me want to projectile vomit every time I hear it. There’s this disturbing trend in our society to treat womens’ bodies as public property. They are, in fact, emphatically not. Let’s deconstruct that comment: what this person is saying is “Hey. Because you’re pretty, I think you shouldn’t do anything to your body that will ruin that, in my or others’ eyes. Nevermind the fact that it’s your body!”. F’n creepy much?
As usual, the old standby of “if you can’t say anything nice, keep your mouth shut” will do you well here. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t realize the above statements are, in fact, rude, and instead think they’re paying the receiver some sort of twisted compliment. After all, everyone loves to hear things like: “If my daughter came home with hair like that, I’d beat her with a belt!”. (no shit – 100% true story. not tattoos, but you know, still applicable here.)
I had an addenendum about etiquette when going to get a tattoo, but it became so long I’m going to do a separate post. And like I said – I don’t really think any of this should be groundbreaking. I’m not saying everyone has to love tattoos, I’m just saying – treat your fellow human beings with respect. And really, isn’t that something we should do anyways?
Comment by truculentandunreliable on 2 September 2009:
Thanks for this! I’m from Columbia, MO, so we have a fair number of tattooed individuals, but it’s still a fairly conservative place, and I think it’s still unusual to see women with large tattoos.
My favorite that I got was “Does your dad know about that?” I was like a) I am 28 years old, dude, I don’t give a shit if he did, and b) I haven’t spoken to my dad in a year. Thanks for re-opening that wound!
I, personally, don’t like questions, especially when they come from creepy guys who are obviously trying to hit on me, but I still expect them and don’t blame people for asking them. Just don’t ask them if I’m obviously reading and/or listening to my iPod.
Comment by Ms Constantine on 2 September 2009:
Ooo they’re lovely! I’d noticed the tatts in a couple of your photos but hadn’t been able to see what they were actually of.
The comment “Why would you do that to yourself? You’re such a pretty girl!” doesn’t just apply to people hating on tattoos, it applies to anyone, at any time. If I hear those words come out of your mouth I will think less of you. It’s like all those people that ask why I would possibly want to get married because I’m still sooooo young. Hello, I’ve been with my partner for 7 years, I’m not going to go have a few affairs just because I’m young!
Also (in regards to the leg tattoos anyway) when you’re 80 you’re not going to be able to bend your legs around to see them for yourself. lol!
As a yet to be tattooed lady (through lack of finding a design I think I’ll want forever) I’m always really interested to hear advice and experiences from those already tattooed. :]
Ms Constantine´s last blog ..There Are No Original Ideas
Comment by Retro Chick on 3 September 2009:
Oh, how true.
I never understand why people feel that there are certain things that suddenly break down all the normal rules of social interaction. Like having a piercing/tattoo/coloured hair/wearing unusual jewellery gives you the right to walk up and grab someone and make personal comments you would never even consider otherwise!
Retro Chick´s last blog ..Retro Chick Style Icon – Zooey Deschanel
Comment by birdie on 3 September 2009:
Oh… that hair comment… yeah I’ve heard similar and it makes me vomit in my mouth a little. I get a lot of the “Why would you DO that to yourself?” and generally if they’re talking about my hair, my reply is “Because it’s the easiest to change if I get bored”. When it’s about my tats though, it’s a different story. They mark my personal growth or important things in my life.
I always want to reciprocate the action, though I’m not sure how well it would work. Like when old ladies grab my hair, I want to grab theirs. When people ask why I’d ever want a tattoo, I want to ask why they’re so square. I guess I’m a little less uncouth than they are, eh?
birdie´s last blog ..Fringe Benefits
Comment by birdie on 3 September 2009:
I also get the “what color is your hair going to be tomorrow!?” comment a lot. I’ve not found a good response for that one…
birdie´s last blog ..Fringe Benefits
Comment by Michelle on 3 September 2009:
@Truculent – I feel the same way! I expect questions, so they don’t so much bother me, unless the person is interrupting me doing something else. I’ve had people try to ask me questions while I was on the phone and then walk off in a huff when I don’t immediately answer!
@Ms Constantine – Definitely true! That comment is creepy no matter WHAT it’s applied to – but here I was talking about tattoos, so that’s what I tied it to
@Retro Chick – that’s what I kept thinking while typing it up – like, these are *so* common sense you wouldn’t think it’d be necessary to point them out as rude, but I’ve heard them several times and I have tattooed friends who also have…so apparently someone doesn’t know that!
@Birdie – I used to get a lot of clown comments and I was actually a little nervous about wearing red lipstick because of them! Then I realized that was just silly. I’ve never had anyone grab my tattoos, but people would walk up behind me and tug on my mohawk…I hated that!
Comment by Jaka Merriman on 8 September 2009:
Since my tat is little and minimal, I don’t get a lot of comments past “What is that?” or “What does it mean?”, but I know lots of folks get stick for their ink. Which I can relate to because I do get stick for my hair.
My favorite response to “does your parent know” is “Yup! And she helps do [my hair], too!”. I’ve only had to tell someone once that my mom does know about my tat, but most of the time people are more curious than aggressive.
Jaka Merriman´s last blog ..Know What’s Amazing? DISNEYWORLD
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Comment by angela on 1 October 2009:
Fucking sweet post. I’m from Portland OR, where everyone and their mothers have tattoos, so when people ask what my tattoos mean, I’m generally inclined to tell them, because it’s generally a question asked respectfully and out of genuine interest. However, I have had a few people blatantly laugh at me/call me crazy/other names for getting my tattoos…why? I have no fucking clue. They should definitely read this, and remember that they’re supposedly functioning members of society…
angela´s last blog ..It’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out
Comment by Liz on 1 October 2009:
Afuckingmen. *applauds*
Liz´s last blog ..Things I Love Thursday
Comment by Katie on 1 October 2009:
Haha I get a lot of people touching me hahaha mostly drunk people *rolls eyes* I humor them but I can’t believe some people think that’s OK I would never EVER touch some stranger skin is skin. Madness
I love your work by the way x
Comment by Connie on 1 October 2009:
damn, i want to print this out and shove it in all the people’s faces who has told me those statements before, and are going to. i’ve had a tattoo for more than 3 years now and my mother still uneasy whenever i show it. she even suggested me to get laser removal…uh, you were the one who approved and paid for it (i was 15). but no stopping me here! no matter what people say or think, like you said – this is my body – and it is wonderful with all the piercings and tattoos.
Comment by Maddie on 1 October 2009:
Thank you so so so much for this post. It makes me feel so awkward being asked what my tattoos mean, because even if you can give an explanation, it never seems to be ‘good’ enough. So I just let people think that my lightning bolt is a Harry Potter reference.
But the point I agree most with is the “Why would you do that to yourself? You’re such a pretty girl!” as it implies I don’t own my own body, that its public property and that others have a right to dictate how I adorn it. When did this happen?!?
Also, I don’t know if you’ve read it, but there’s this awesome paper by Christine Braunberger called “Revolting Bodies: The Monster Beauty of Tattooed Women” – it deconstructs the idea of ownership and looks at the history of tattooed women. If you can’t find a copy of it, I can email you a pdf.
your blog is pretty awesome, by the way. gala darling sent me here
Comment by Michelle on 2 October 2009:
Jaka – I don’t consider myself to have a lot of ink, so it always surprised me how many rude comments I got in Missouri. The hair I at least understood!
Angela – yes! What baffles me is that a lot of the people who are so rude consider themselves “upright” members of polite society. So…why are you acting like you were raised in a barn, hmm?
Liz – glad you liked it!
Katie – I hateeee it when strangers touch me (when I had my mohawk, someone once came up behind me & actually tugged on it!). I don’t get it either, it’s like they think that tattooed skin feels magical or something. I just want to know, where’d they get the idea?
Connie – Right on!
Maddie – I actually haven’t heard of that one, but I’ll check it out. I do have a good one called “Bodies of Subversion” that’s pretty neat – goes into the history of tattoos on women. I find it SO interesting that 150-200 yrs ago tattoos were considered the ultimate couture & were something only the really rich had, and then they became associated with freak shows. Which of course completely switched the connotations of tattoos around.
The meaning thing is so individual – I’ve met people who will go on for 20 minutes to a stranger about what their tattoo means. I tend to stick with “I’m a seamstress” for my calf tattoos and “It’s Isis” for my hip tatt, and I’ve had several people roll their eyes or get snotty with me but it doesn’t bug me too much. There’s more to them than that, of course, but isn’t there always?
I did meet one girl who had a long verse wrapped around her lower arm and I curiously asked what it said/meant (I think I was working at Hot Topic at the time and ringing her out), she told me but then heaved a big sigh and said “I swear, if I knew how much people were going to ask about it, I never would have got the damn thing!” which seems a bit odd to me – something that visible that has words, you kind of have to assume people are going to ask about it, y’know?
Comment by Zan on 2 October 2009:
Thank you so much for this! I 100% agree with everything you said. I think you explained the difference between being tolerant of natural curiousity and people being downright rude.
I can *kinda* relate to the hot topic girl. I’ve had my tattoos for about 10 years now and I expected questions/comments–but, it is a bit odd to have the same questions thrown at you after that long! Especially since I forget I even have anything there anymore. So, maybe she was just having an exhausting day
Comment by Elvis Depressley on 2 October 2009:
In regards to # 1 and #2 I would like to mention that it is also not okay for tattooed people to grab you and poke, and ask questions as well, without consent. I find it equally annoying, no matter how many tattoos, or none at all, the person has.
Many of these no longer bother me, since I just tend to ignore most people in their ignorance, but overall, you pretty much covered the most annoying aspects that come with being a visibly tattooed person.
Elvis Depressley´s last blog ..Photo
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Comment by sosoclever on 2 October 2009:
Your first point reminded me of advice given to people for dealing with pregnant women. Actually, all of it does. Like you said, this is common courtesy.
One thing I’ll say, though, is that people who get unquestionably offensive, perfectly visible tattoos should be prepared for people in “polite” society to be at least taken aback. The courtesy street isn’t one way.
And for all those parents who get their undies in a twist over what their kids do to their hair (including mine, retroactively), you know what? Hair grows out.
sosoclever´s last blog ..I’m all confoozled.
Comment by bathory on 2 October 2009:
One time, in the lobby of an office building where I worked, and was waiting for an elevator, a woman, and her friend asked me the usual generic, repetitive but polite tattoo and piercing questions. I answered them all in a friendly manner and turned to return to my book when she uttered “if you were my daughter, I would kill you” to which I replied “If I was your daughter, I would have killed myself a long time ago.”
Her friend found that much funnier than she did.
Comment by Michelle on 2 October 2009:
Zan – and you’re probably perfectly right – she might have just been having a bad day! This was in the small town in Missouri, so who knows how many times she got questions on a daily basis, being a woman w/a very visible tattoo.
Elvis Depressly (cute name by the way!) – Haha, of course! It’s annoying when anyone thinks your skin is grab-able, but I’ve never had a tattooed person do it so I didn’t think of it. Thanks for adding that!
sosoclever – Oh yes! Urgh, that’s one of my greatest fears should I ever get pregnant, having to deal with people trying to rub my belly and ask me questions constantly. I do agree about offensive tattoos, although I think that line can vary from person to person (I’ve seen people get really offended over skull or skeleton tattoos, or something like Wonder Woman in a Virgin de Guadalupe style). One time at my old job this guy that I was ringing out had a huge swastika tattoo & a German eagle, it made me super uncomfortable. ugh.
Bathory – Nice comeback!
Comment by Bill Orchard on 2 October 2009:
Living in a small town in Canada and being a fairly heavily tattoed person, i get the usuall question’s that have all been discused already, but one i have not noticed and i get alot, even from the elderly people ( i am 42 )is, that is beautiful i can’t believe a tattoist can replicate on skin what an artist can do on canvas.
Or to that point, i have very visible tattoo’s on me ie, hands, full sleeve’s and back, but i did this because i love tattoo’s and really i like the attention. My favourite answer to a negative question about my work is, the Sisteenth Chapel was a wonderful piece of architecture, but Micheal Angelo made it Beautiful by painting it.
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Comment by charles on 17 December 2009:
veryyyy nicely put! a necessary post to have, for sure =)
charles´s last blog ..Little Red Riding Boots–Yesterday’s Outfit
Comment by Audi on 17 December 2009:
Ooh, just getting over to your blog now and of course this post caught my eye, so I had to stop here first! GREAT post, and I couldn’t agree more. This makes me very glad I live in tattoo-loving San Francisco, but even here I get inane comments from time to time. The most common is, “Hey, you’ve got a snake on your shoulder!” *rolls eyes*
I think, though, that the idiotic comments sort of go with the territory, and you have to put up with them if you want to also get the really gratifying feedback — I’ve had several people stop me to tell me how beautiful my artwork is and could they please have the name of my artist. Sure, tattoos can be a free pass for a jackass to make a rude comment, but then again they can also inspire polite, creative people who might not otherwise say anything at all, because in a way a tattoo somehow marks you as someone who puts herself out there and is not afraid of being approached.
Comment by Michelle on 18 December 2009:
Bill – good answer.
I always respond to comments about the body being a temple with “Yes, so I’m decorating it!”
Thank you Charles!
Audi – I agree with you; I don’t so much mind stares or curious questions, I figure it kind of comes with the territory. And I think people who do get pissy about non-asinine questions probably didn’t think through getting a large/visible tattoo. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with rudeness of a daily basis any more, one more reason to love Austin!
Comment by Maria on 29 December 2009:
Hi there. I just kind of stumbled upon this blog and I like what you have to say. When I got my last (and favorite, so far) tattoo my sister’s boyfriend oh-so-bluntly said “You’re never going to be able to get a job!”
I said, “Um, I already have a job and do you really think I’m that stupid that I haven’t thought it through already?” The tattoo is on my arm and my work uniform has sleeves, so there isn’t a problem. I also checked around and it looks like just about any part of your body is safe except for the face, neck, and hands. Yeah, maybe if I get a job requiring a tank top then MAYBE then it’ll be a problem. But this moron thinks that I haven’t considered that possibility before getting the tattoo. I’m willing to deal with someone telling me that I can’t be a lifeguard because of my tattoo.
Conservative, non-tattooed society seems to think that people who get tattoos, especially women who get tattoos, just do it on the spur of the moment because they are feeling wild or something.
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Comment by alliXT on 28 January 2010:
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I’ve just found your blog, but as a (heavily) tattooed woman I very much appreciate the etiquette post. Usually my tattoos are covered up but everyonce in awhile they’re visible and I’m shocked at how strangers will just reach out and grab my body or make a smartass comment I don’t need. Nine times out of ten there’s no malicious intent behind it, but the more people read posts like yours, the better the situation will get. BTW – I am loving the DIY or Die tat!
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