Wanna know a secret?
I. Am. Fucking. Exhausted.
(Not as exhausted as when I first wrote those words, some three weeks or so ago, since I’ve been trying to slow down this last week. But still pretty exhausted. And the fact that I first wrote that three weeks ago shows you how long I’ve been wading in the ashen lake of burnout.)
I need to take care of myself.
I’ve been working my tail off since about mid-January, straight through. Although I preach the virtues of it to anyone who will listen, I can be pretty sporadic about self care. When I take time to do it, I reap the benefits in spades, but the problem is that I don’t actively carve out a niche of time for it in my life, and so it gets inadvertently put in the category of things I do sometimes but not always.
I need to get back in touch with myself.
This is probably part of self-care, too. I am still finding my way; I think a large part of this was that last year when I was so sick, it put everything on hold. And then after I wasn’t sick any more, I was just so excited to be not-sick that I was willing to play with everything, all at once, and got excited about everything, that I lost my path. Which wasn’t 100% clear before. (Oh, the joys of being a Renaissance woman…)
I am rediscovering my sense of style, after spending too long away from it. I am figuring out a new way to lay out our living room, so that I can have my own defined work space, however small, that is mine and me-space and me-energy.
I’m being reminded again how important aesthetics and style are to me. The very act of rediscovering my style and playing with it again is reverberating through my life and causing ripples everywhere else, and making me realize how much I do need to sit down, shut up, and just be with myself for a while.
Perhaps because of these things, I feel like kind of a mess. I feel a bit incredibly silly that just over a month ago, I announced “Here I am! This is what I’m doing now!”, and now I’m not sure that is where I am or what I want to do now. I think that’s where I thought I was, but as I’m rediscovering myself and my nuances I’m not sure that’s where I want to go. (Did anyone else follow that sentence?) I don’t know if I need to retool the tagline, or what. It just doesn’t feel tailored enough; I’m always worried about things being too constrictive (Renaissance woman, again) so I shoot for the vaguer things, but I think it could be nipped & tucked. (Like a well-fitted dress. Style, again.)
However, I get tired of feeling like I’m constantly tweaking things, and I have a pathological fear of being viewed as a flake. Making any kind of change, especially after I just made a big deal about the changes I already made, scares the shit out of me – because changing this constantly is the sign of a flake, right?
And, shockingly enough, none of this is made easier, because I’m not thinking straight since I’ve been running myself into the ground for almost three months straight. Who knows?
To tackle both of these things at once, I’m making April a month of evolution, radical self care*, and introspection.
I thought about tackling some of my missions this month, because there were some that fit – yoga every day, a week of digital fasting – but it didn’t feel right. A month that is about taking stock and figuring things out and slowing down doesn’t feel like the right time to do any sort of mission. (And, the missions being part of this blog is another thing I’m rethinking. I think they might need a home of their own or, gasp, be kept track of privately.) I’m taking off work entirely, as much as I can – not actively seeking new clients at all. Except for the self-work.
Here’s some ideas (not goals! not missions! just thoughts) I have so far for what I can do:
- Read. Read a lot. Fiction and non.
- Do more yoga. Maybe not an hour of yoga ever day, but more.
- Create spaciousness. I have an idea for moving around our living room, as mentioned, and opening up more of a nook for myself to work in, which I think will help me out a lot. Look for before & after pictures.
- Make an inspiration board. Or two. Or more.
- Play. Specifically make time for play. (And artist’s dates, which I did for one week, totally loved, and then promptly forgot about doing. D’oh.)
- Ask myself a lot of questions.
- Figure out some sort of routine for checking in with myself – both a ritual or some way of actually doing this, and how often I want to do it, how deeply, etc. (This is one of the questions.)
There will be no acting on ideas. No starting new projects. Just incubation, creation, experimentation, transformation.
I’m trying to figure out how I want to do this exactly, because I think I need some sort of structure, but I don’t want to schedule out everything and assign to-do lists, since this is rather an un-to-do-listable undertaking. The very act of spending an entire month without a regimented schedule is enough to send my organized self into shock. I’m thinking the first week of April will be dedicated to doing absolutely nothing, as much as possible, and the other three weeks will have some sort of rough format.
What this means for the blog:
Probably nothing out of the ordinary, at least until after the end of April (when the results of my pondering will be put into action). I won’t be making myself stick to the usual Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule, but posting shouldn’t be interrupted too much. I’m also planning on breaking down my process and everything at the end of the month – in case you want to do your own little retreat for some evolution, radical self care, & introspection. And if you have any tips for me or if you’ve done something like this before, I would love to hear it! Please do share in the comments.
*Phrase “radical self care” inspiring by Gala & her radical self love guides!
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